Blahg

Today, a friend told me that she looked at my blog. I was shocked, but forewent the Merryl Streep humility rant. So, I decided to be inspired, and get back on the wagon (seriously hoping you're enjoying the title of this one…).

There are days when I live in defeat. It's not that I feel like I'm in a battle of sorts. But sometimes life feels like a fight, and I get out of bed knowing I lost. The first glance in the shiny wall that greets you with your own image is a tell-all. The general demeanor of the day can be determined by the ridiculousness of one's bed head. My favorite is when the face looks just so bloody awful, complete with extra pimples, dark spots, and sheet marks (just when it was safer to sleep in until 20 minutes before class).

It happens especially when I feel I've made a complete fool of myself the evening before. In conversation with someone over a beer, and I look back over everything I've said, wondering, "What in the world could this person think of me?" followed by, "Well, whatever it is, it couldn't possibly be good."

In reaction to things not going as I wish they would have - meaning, of course, that those I came into contact with the previous day have not been left with the impression that I am the best human being possibly ever - I react, mostly unconsciously. 

I live as though I have already been conquered. There is no other option: no hope of change. I will forever be this socially awkward mess of a person. I will forever be late for everything and every other dramatic statement you kick yourself in the neck, stiletto-heel style, for.

Maybe it's a hint of depression. 

Maybe it's just one of those days.

Maybe there are dark grey cumulo nimbus clouds that exist to rain on people's parades.

Or (my personal favorite) maybe it's just a funk.

Well, friend, if funk has overtaken me, it would not have manifested itself in such a suck-the-life-out-of-my-day way.

The counselor in me always wants to know why. Why do I feel this way? Surely there is some type of root, or reason, or catalyst for these feelings. Partially that's true. But the unfortunate aspect of shitty days is that they won't suddenly stop when I've finally dealt with my issues. Because more issues come.

Life doesn't stop happening. I won't stop missing my father. I won't stop being a less than perfect human being. And I won't stop having to apologize for being a less than perfect human being. 

So, today is a rant. If you live in defeat some days…take solace in the fact that you're not the only one. Don't worry about what tomorrow is going to bring, because you honestly just don't know, and why worry about that when today's been such a gem. 

Do a crazy dance to a Lady Gaga song (because if you get a glimpse of yourself doing that in the mirror, it doesn't matter what your bed head was like), watch a clip from a comedian or comedy show, or simply take a picture of your insane bed head and put it up as your facebook profile picture. Be late to your class or wherever else you were supposed to be for the sake of showing people how 'normal' you are. 

There's no guarantee that your feelings of defeat will go away, but make sure you laugh before you go out the door. At least then you'll know that you are capable of some other feeling on such a crapily begun day.

That's all,

me